I have thought of accepting bread crumbs
Thought about settling for just a glimpse of you
Seeing you once in a while, whenever it suits you
Being a secret.
Thinking maybe...
Just as long as I get to see you,
Hold you, hold some parts of you..
Would that be enough?
On most days, I think of your gaze on me..
Sexy.
Intentional.
Precise gazes and glances that had this girl feeling special.
Pretending not to notice, while feeling every bit of your eyes on me.
I think about the way you'd grind your teeth at the sight of me.
As if trying so hard to hold yourself back.
As if thinking of all the things you'd do
If you had the chance.
On most days,
I think about your subtle touches on my chin while telling me something
The way you'd pull me close at night
Smell me up and inhale so deeply, like u want to devour a very tantalizing meal
As if you want to memorize my sweet scent and engrave it in your memory like a treasure...
On most days...
I think of your arm softly around my neck
A grip soft but firm enough to say you knew exactly what you wanted
As if telling me no one else could ever have that effect on you...
On most days...
I think of the most subtle things
Like how your arms rest so intentionally on my waist
The way your eyes stayed on me—
Eye contact so intentional,
So nice, so focused—
You could find me in a crowd
and keep staring like no one else existed.
On most days...
I think of your gentleness...
The way you'd hold my waist to help me down from somewhere high.
Gentle,
but still intentional—
Subtle little things that spoke to my soul and keep holding a huge part of my heart.
I remember your long hugs
whenever my world was falling apart.
The kind of hugs that made me feel
Like, for those few moments, for this human being,
I was all that mattered.
I remember how scarce
those precious hugs became overtime...
Everyday...
I wonder if someone else will ever look at me like that.
Hold me with such passion.
And if I'm being honest,
I don't think anyone ever will.
See, you've got me convinced that your eyes were meant for me.
That somehow,
You and I were purposefully created for each other.
That our hearts beat as one...
Rhythmically reaching, searching, longing for the other.
You have me convinced
That my heart was meant for you and yours for me..
That your hands were meant to hold me
in ways no one else can or should.
That the way we fit together,
the way we naturally found each other,
was something no one else could understand.
How we vibe so naturally like no one else is there...
How we let our inner children out whenever, wherever we are together...
without fear,
without shame,
without caring who was watching.
How full and fulfilling my heart feels with you...
Don't you feel it too?
You've got me tripping...
Convinced that you and I are meant to be.
If only you could remember how to hold my heart
with the same intentionality
with which you held my body.
If only you remembered
that my emotions needed tenderness too.
Because you and I are like cheese...
No matter how far you pull it apart, it always finds a way back together.
Remember how you used to hold me so delicately on my rough days?
Remember how you used to intentionally make time for me?
How you used to be there?
How did that change so quickly, when I had no one but you?
Nothing but you!
As though it had nothing to do with you.
I don't understand how you don't see it till today...
The price I have had to pay for your decisions not to be there...
The price I am still paying, expensively with my health.
While you get to go on with your life like nothing big happened
Like it doesn't concern you...
That you'd tell me to my face inconsiderably hurtful things knowing well all this...
On most days I wonder if I was the only one you did all these for
Or just a long line up of girls and nothing was special about me
Just one more to add to your list...
If you actually knew how much you were crashing me and chose to do it anyways.
On most days,
I think about all the stages
I missed—
the ones that meant the world to me.
The coming home to me.
The “I love you, babe.”
The “I have to check with my boo first.”
The hand on my stomach every day, cherishing us.
The kisses on my belly
That made a little human kick.
The “Here's what you're craving, babe. I'll cook for you.”
The taking care of me when I was sick.
The mornings you should have been waking me
with kisses and a “Bye, my love. I'm going to work.”
That stage of love I should have experienced.
That stage I deserved.
The kind of love
I had every right to receive from you.
But you chose yourself from the onset...
And you made it painfully clear
that I would never get that from you.
I have rewatched the movie Nobody Wants This
Countless times since the first time you walked off on me...
Watching it.
Praying.
Hoping.
Wishing, somehow,
that I would get to experience
the kind of relationship
I deserve.
Where I'm treated right...
I re-live your sweet nothings...
If I'm being honest, they keep me up at night.
Promises you made and said no matter what to...
How I'd keep asking you if you meant them and you kept reassuring me you did...
But when push came to shove, you didn't match up to even one of those sweet promises
On most nights...
I wake up panting over the nightmares you made sure I went through alone...
Heaviness no woman should have to carry on their own...
And if I was insane for believing you...
Your actions and words are total nemesis when it comes to me..
But then you'd turn things around and blame me for feeling unloved and unwanted
On most days..
I think of the extra miles I have gone for the person whom tables turned
and he never went that extra for me...
Stuck in a maze between postpartum depression, piled medical bills, PTSD,
Life-threatening conditions and a person who promised to be there but walked every damn time...
Saying someone else was right about me when my mind is struggling to deal with all these alone...
I wonder though... if someone else read the entire story, if they'd see any sense in my shortcomings..
That I had to carry all these alone just to feel your presence... You demanded it...
For whenever I tried to lean on you, you looked for reasons to turn it against me...
My mind in a trance, on a rooftop, facing life-threatening news,
Replaying over and over how you responded to it
Wondering how all that mattered to you was telling other people about me
Wondering how all that you cared about was talking down on me,
Getting advice for scenes your mind has created to make me out as the bad guy
Wondering is this how little my life is worth to you?
Thinking how am I going to do this alone?
I could paint the entire picture for you
but you'd still find a way to hide whatever makes your real actions so cruel.
Somehow,
you would still find a way to gaslight me, say you loved me and gave it your all...
I have thought of accepting breadcrumbs
Considered convincing myself that crumbs are enough
Long as they are from you.
But we both know I wasn't made for bread crumbs...
I'm the jealous type built in all the likeness of God.
I can't stand eyes that are not for me alone...
I get disgusted by hands that touch others in ways meant for me alone.
And I don't just mean disgusted as the saying...
No...
Disgusted as in the most literal sense of that word
I know I can be a lot...
I know I come with intensity...
Who wouldn't if they were handed the same cards?
But I also know my worth.
I know what a treasure I am to the hands bold enough to hold me.
We can't keep calling starvation a feast, just because it came from you.
So if breadcrumbs is all you could offer, it's an insult to my maker
