Confessions of a Dying Soul (Vol. 5)

I think I'm gonna miss you for the rest of my life...

But I knew you had to walk away.

And If I'm being honest, I knew it a long time before you did.

I knew it the moment you walked out

Over some nonsensical disagreement 

Based on the fact that I had nowhere to stay.

I knew it the moment you let your ego win

Deciding a roof over my head was too heavy a ask.

I replayed that same fight night after night,

On cold streets, in public toilets,

Terrified, with a little mouth to feed.

I knew it the moment you picked your pride over my safety.

And if we’re being honest… you kept picking it.

Over and over again.

Suddenly, my superman became reckless with my heart

And even then? I didn't want anyone else

See I knew you had to walk away,

and if I'm being honest, I knew it long before you did.

Still—I never locked the door.

I kept waiting for you to turn the handle with action,

Not sweet nothings.

Was it really that hard?

To love me with hands that show up, instead of words that float away?

To share the loss? To stand present? To carry the pain with me?

When sickness came, when losses piled high,

When life hit hard and the future turned terrifying,

I got messy.

And still, you chose to watch me walk through hell alone.

Showing up once in a blue moon—only when the tide suited you.

And foolishly, I thought you meant the sweet nothings.

Still, I left the door unlatched.

Waiting for you to step through.

I knew you could. I wanted you to.

I guess you just didn't want it enough to act.

I knew you'd walk away

If I'm being honest, I knew it long before you did...

See, my faith was just a little stronger than your follow-through.

I kept hoping you’d drop the sweet tooth and feed me substance.

Still you chose to protect your image of yourself

I'll never understand why acting seemed harder

Than watching me bleed under the weight alone.

Still you chose to see me through your reflection of yourself and others

Not the me you know...

Suddenly conversations seemed to end up in defense mode where you see me a liar

Suddenly in your eyes, honesty kept becoming an enemy

I kept wondering why... 

I guess it was easier for you to see me a liar,

Than to carry the weight of who you became along the way...

Because admitting my truth

Would mean admitting you were the monster who let me drown.

I know I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life...

I know I will love you forever...

Even though I knew you'll choose to walk away...

And if I'm being honest, I knew it long before you actually did.