Beat

Beat dear heart, 

Beat, beat, beat again

Heavy on the "beat" like a doctor using a defibrillator on her patient.

Desperately hoping, praying to restore the patient's heart beat.

Dang it!! All i hear is a cardiac flat line...

The doctors said its depression steming from the need to feel loved, and the lack thereof from childhood.

The therapist says its roots are deeper than that.

All this heart wants is to feel loved by those who bear meaning to it. 

Sadly, noone is willing to go through every step of its pain showering love and reviving her back.

No wonder her words are too loud and her sentences too long.

Maybe poets are born from pain.

Sadly, she's no poet, someone made her believe that her writings are awful,

Something to be ashamed of.

Heavy on the "shame" because that's where she always hides

Beat, beat, beat again.

Beat oh dear heart,

Just a little longer till you find your resting place.

So you can finally retire silently

Heavy on the "silent" so you don't disturb anyone's peace. 

 

Here comes the end of the story she's been holding on to for dear life

She's not ready yet but she's not the one holding the knife

He is, and he cut it with so much strife

Forced to cry silently in the corners since a sound of her pain causes him intolerable guilt.

Guilt that he ain't ready to face or quit

So much so that even when all she needed was his hugs, all he did was walk away and resist.

She stayed this long through his imperfections.

Dare I say, loved him unconditionally regardless of the conditions.

But whenever she was imperfect, his love was never in sight.

So harsh, so mean, so rude, so demeaning, she lost the fight.

Its always visible in his eyes.

Never willing to talk, sort out things or sacrifice.

And its the meanness and ignorance for me that just broke the ice.

That he'd tell her straight to her face that he wont do what she needs

 No wait, what any relationship needs to survive; sort things out. 

For this fictional character, time numbed all the pain

For he would constantly choose to swipe issues under the rug than talk to his partner,

And yet any time he'd choose to talk, all he did was blame

Never taking responsibility for his part of the pain

Always putting her down and not once caring how he talks and demeans her self-esteem.

Contrary to him, time for her opened up all wounds. 

Too much time without communication, without love,

Yet still, too many wounds not enough time.

So she came to me and asked, "how do i move on with life when he was my life?"

And i tear up and hug her afraid she'll see that I too, am broken.

So she says she has an idea and im finally relieved she'll get by.

Little did i know, the idea was to end it all and permanently switch off the lights on her life.

"Life will still move on" she says, "happier and better without me"

Patience Unlimited.

Ilianza na hey! Text
Then please call me
Wrong number text
Will you call me?
I'm outta credit
Just text me
Redeemed bonga points
You gotta cool voice
Can i call often?

Sweet nothings!!!
Na nikaitikia.....
But but heey heey... "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."
So does that still count as sweet nothings? Coz the bible doesn't lie right?

I hope you wanna stay for a long time because my heart really likes you.
Nikamuandikia letter... So it read;

"Mapenzi ilikua ka sleeping pill
Usingizi sipati ka sikufeel
Sili, na nikila
Mapenzi yako inanifill
Touch my broken heart nitaheal
Utanikumbuka still
Mapenzi ya real
Doh less na affection free
Baby nilipromise nitakupenda for real
Hadi life ituplace apart
Utengano sio issue
Ulibreak the deal
Ring finger kidole kama seal
Memory zako still green
Smile ulimake when i said nakufeel
Nitakua nalies nikisema niko fine
Na kama kukupenda ni crime,
I said ita lawyer atanichorea fine..."

Broken...
Broken sasa na sio the first time
I bet the rest as they say ni history
Si God ka unanipenda then my defination of love is rogue...
I mean;
            All i ever sought was love...
            All you threw back was thirst...
            A thirst for more.
A thirst that you didn't maybe yet want to satisfy...
Si ni funny you say you love me?

My past is so dirty
Sins zangu zimekua dessert ya hii meal; brokenness
So unworthy ata His sight and tolerance sideserve
Alone in a desert.
Nimeoverdose on drugs,
Full of lust,
Mischief...
Sexual sin...
My thoughts are deep in sin.
Wamenijudge,
Nikodamn busted!
I mean;
Ka nyinyi wote ni sinners trust me I'm the greatest.

My present?
Naskia nigive up
Faith yangu haishoot up
The reason for my existence imeshut up
My present?
Price ya prayer inaseem kuhyk
Bei ya uchumi ikirise
Si nafeel umenijaza na so many burdens
Si God ka unanipenda then my definition of love is rogue...
Si ni funny you say you love me?

Lord when is too much too much?
Naskia nigive up
I just wanna let go
But "but they told me, a man should be faithful, and walk when not able and fight  the end but I'm only human"

My sins resume is so long na if at all kuna mark ya salvation
Then im so far off the mark
(Sing);
" and i could throw my fist in the air demanding answers, but ibspite of all the questions, im still giving you my life...
If it doesn't turn out like it should.. It doesn't change the fact your always good, your ways are higher than mine.. And the truth remains the same even when i don't know how to pray but what i know, is that you my God are real, no matter how i feel, you never let me go, and what i know, is there will never be a day, you ain't just a breath away.. Through it all I've gotta hold on to love that's never failing, to hope that keeps on saying, carry on.. Through it all I've gotta hold on to what i know.."

Amesema
Bei ya wokovu ni price-less
Prayer na bible daily si ni price-less
Somehow kuna assurance iko in my heart siwezi ishake off
I mean hii story iko na Genesis, Exodus, Canaan pia...
History ya God ni beginning
Hii story ya God ni my beginning
His grace imekua alive through men sinning
You question your past?
It ain't your last
Na kama hio yote ni hard kukumbuka, hold on to this;
Jer.29:11
Great plans to prosper you
You ain't seen the last
Temptations, a must!
Ata Yesu janguani alineed word
A bit of faith-trust
Small enough to move a mountain
His word ni fountain
His love knows no end
His patience is unlimited
His grace- sufficient
An only son He gave for your cleansing.

PASSION OVERIDING REASON

Natamani time nitaona vijana wakitumia pesa to INVEST in their future
Badala ya pesa kuwa INFEST just to crumble down their future.

Natamani time nitaskia sponsors wameenda out of market

Because madem wanalook out to market their brains.

so wanatafuta scholarship sio sponsorship

Natamani siku nitaona dem akiambiwa “shake what your mamma gave you” atashake kichwa Because that’s what her mamma gave her. BRAINS!!!
"So to my future daughter, if a man older than your dad approaches you i hope you have the courage to stand up to him and say; "I'm sorry, i am DIABETIC... I don't take SUGAR-daddy"

But vile hii generation inagrow, design watoto ndio kusema

Vile generation ya sikuizi inaenda against protocol just because of “passion overriding reason.”

Watoto wetu wamepotea njia kama stima eastlando.

Cheated by goblins eti drugs ndio the only solution.

I know we are young, stupid and dumb, just seeking to have fun,

But drinking, smoking and drugs are better in feeding you sin than Satan is

“Kuchoma shule ni kujichomea.”

Sio lazima picha, labda future: kujichomea future.

Kurusha mtu mawe ndio ulipwe ni kama kuchoma akili na kuexpect kuishi bado.

MEANINGLESS!!

.

Najua the standards of living za sikuizi zimepanda Sana,

But luckily enough, the wages of sin have neither risen nor declined bado ni DEATH.

Na more luckily enough, salvation is still FREE; God`s gift to us.

Society is a Bastard

Society is a bastard.

Iliniambia money is power,

Design hadi inaeza tumika to buy our sanity.
Najua watakulipa ndio udemonstrate,

But ata wakitry ukikufa life yako hawawezi compensate.

Kitu society haikuniambia ni my life is empowered.

Not by the power others think they have over me,

But by the power I hold within me.
The power of having an independent brain.

Society is a bastard.

Iliniambia education is key.

Iliniambia exams ndio hudetermine the final say.

Design ilibidi niamke zile hours za wee,

Just to cram my notes from cover to cover because nlikuwa na exams the next day.

But kitu haikuniambia ni system ya education mattered.
But was it just so my papers feel flattered?
Zikiandikwa good grades,
Ndio zifeel priceless...

Because to date najua kunao ukiwaambia my website is @ Catherine under score Lyna,

Wao hudhani under score pia ni jina yako.

Haha!

Society ilinifunza division kabla nijue unity.
But I had to reason out that division is meant to unite us
I mean, maana ya kutoka kwa tribes mingi ni so that we can appreciate the uniqueness in other cultures

Kwasababu hio uniqueness ni so awesome.


Kwa hivyo this is for those politicians wanapromote animosity in the name of tribal narratives.
This is for you who gives them the power to buy your soul, your independence

This is for those who believe that they have understood the essence of living.
Kwasababu wanaeza afford to buy all the apparatus that allow them to live.
This if for those who think like the cockerel,
That the sun rises to hear them crow.
That wanaweza summon the moon na stars.
Kwasababu wamearrive.
Kwasababu wako na power.
But who ignore the fact that mtu anaweza lala in only one bed at a time,
Sit on only one chair at a time,
Na kama tu the rest of humanity,
Their date of death is hidden from them.

DÉJÀ VU

They say man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.
I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.
I do not know if I can convince you to reason out with me, but I am me and I'm not sorry for that.

Now I know change is good but each time I have seen change often was it for the worst.

So blame my roots for that matter.

Actually I do mean to use a lot of sentences to help us be on the same page, so how about a chat with your brain?

Which language should I use...

"Nilipokuwa mdogo news ilikua kitu politicians respond to A.S.A.P. but sikuizi tumechukulia mapresenters wetu kama actors."

I am not pointing fingers, neither do I appreciate the taking of sides.

As a matter of fact, if anyone of us is guilty,

Then to find the guilty you need not look far, just look at the mirror.

Tribalism;

I do very well understand the love of your own kind but that should not lead to the hatred of another.

Ain't we all Kenyans?

Policemen;

  "Because while trancheons may be used in lieu of conversation words will always retain their power.."

Let me narrow that down for you. We all know that a kid should be punished for his/her wrongs right?

But why punish the kid so much that it raises the question "was that crime so vicious as to warrant that kind of punishment."

And if the kid is really on the wrong, then what good is the punishment if its administered without justifying why he was punished and showing him the right path afterwards?

And why give him a punishment that does not really fit his mistake. 

I hope I did not loose you between the lines.

Polititians ..... Feuding

Yes, we all know as a matter of fact there's always an opposition party, there always will be. Bt how come we forget we are all fighting for the same thing that is for the betterment of our country.

Maybe that's just me, and honestly I'm a little bit confused here.

Is presidency just for the power or for the betterment of our country?

Remember remember the late two thousand and seven massacre.

Late because it is dead and gone.

I know not of any reason why that bloody season should ever be forgot.
Or do we need V *(from: V for vendetta) to tell us that?

We are our only way out.

We can not allow ourselves into another déjà vu of that sort.

Are we on the same page?

Now this is only me, I know you have your own opinion

I'm merely just thinking out loud.

Love?

Ever wondered what love really is?
Not because you do not know but because your experience of it just disapproves your thoughts.
Has experience ever hit you so hard that anytime you are so happy you get so scared?
Ever loved someone so much your only mistake was to love too much?


I remember reading somewhere, "life is just like playing a game of snakes and ladders just when you are getting along fine, happy or rich, you get zapped back into the mire"
Undeserved and unexpected.
But look at it this way,
What if those zaps represent the external world or life, while your so called climb up the ladder is your fight against life.
What if you grasp hold of those zaps and use their energy as your energy?

It gets tough sometimes.

I mean, sometimes its hard to breathe, feels like flailing and scuffling a string of disasters,

Like your lifestyle is in a mess.

Sometimes its even hard to keep moving forward and stay focused.

I'm sorry to say this but sometimes, its hard to stay grateful, to say thank you, because of the pain.

I know that.

I have been there

At times we are very stubborn like a beetle caught in a flood, clinging to our old ladder, half drowning ourselves in the process.
You know what I think?
Forget dogma and rules. Do not get entangled with other people's ideas or labels.
Instead find your own truth by living and really loving every moment with passion.
Meditate. Take each moment and live it with wonder. Live life the same way you listen to music, with wonder and joy for every moment. Be free!
Don't get confused.
Enjoy it while it lasts as long as it lasts.

Yeah! No kidding it will make you crazy.
You spend your life time in a comfortable dream state believing in destiny.
Then reality snaps you awake like a kick in the teeth.
Bad things happen as often as good things.
People who think they're meant to be together, aren't.
Turns out we're nothing more than chemicals hurtling through space, haphazardly bouncing off each other feeling stupid we ever believed there was some grand plan.
Well what do you know?
Love ain't always enough.